View Transcript of the show:

Natalie

Arlene, great to have you back on today. Appreciate your time as always.

Arlene Pellicane 

I love always being with you, Natalie. Thank you so much for having me back. Yes.

Natalie 

Thank you. So we both have college kids and we both have younger. I think what I hear from some of my listeners is how can I be sure I'm doing the right things now? So when they go off into the big scary world, they have been deeply rooted in what my family believes and that they are, they're ready to go.

Arlene Pellicane 

Yeah.

Natalie 

Give us advice Arlie, you know this!

Arlene Pellicane 

Yes. Help with these things. I think, you know, three big thoughts come to my mind. One is that they catch how you are living. So it's not so much like, oh my goodness, I have to sit down and write these 10 things down or whatever, but it's like they have watched you their whole life and it's been authentic and it's been real and it's something that they also buy into. Like it's theirs too. So it's not like just like, oh, my mom and dad have faith.

My mom and dad follow the 10 commandments. They're good to others. They have the golden rule, you know, but it's something they see like, wow, this really works. So it's something lived out and it kind of takes the stress out of it of like, oh my word, I have to like perform at a certain level. No, like you be yourself. And when you're struggling, you show your kids like, I am struggling with this and I'm asking God for this. Like, let them see all of those things and authentic faith lived out that they would find to be attractive. So that's one thing, just like kind of imitate me as I imitate Christ. And obviously we think, oh, I'm not the apostle Paul. I can't do that. But you know what, for your children who have grown up in your home, it's kind of the beauty of children is that they make you think, oh Lord, help me, like sanctify me, which just simply means make me more like you every day, like help me. And when I need to repent, help me to repent so that my kids see that. So live authentically.

so that if your kids were to imitate you, that you do hunger for God, that you do want to do the right thing, but that you're not legalistic and works driven and like, oh no, I messed up. Now God doesn't like me. Like, we need to get over that so that our kids can follow that. So I think being authentic, a second thing would just be providing opportunities for them to see the glory of God, like for them to be wowed by God.

So this might mean sending them to summer camp so they can have this really like very intentional experience of, you know, encountering the living God through nature, through worship, through teaching, through, you know, just having, I have vivid memories of being in junior high and just weeping at an altar, like, you know, like a speaker saying, if you want to be on fire for Jesus, if you want to give God your whole heart, like come forward right now.

And I have such vivid memories of coming forward and just like feeling like just being enveloped with God's love in such a way that I thought like, I never want to go, I would never want to lose this. Like I never want to lose this feeling of God's love. So many times that comes through a camp experience that might come through like your child getting prayed over, like people like just coming over to your house and praying for your child. Like you just don't know when God's going to show up, but it's going to be in a way like this. Like they're going to be exposed to your word or maybe it's going to be in nature and they're going to see the mountain and God's going to speak to them or whatever it is. But look for opportunities. That's why we show up to church because every single Sunday, it's not like a lightning bolt from the sky, but one Sunday it will be. One Sunday, your child will be sitting in church and God will call them and say, I am calling you to follow me.

Arlene Pellicane 

Like that day will happen. And that's why we need to keep showing up consistently to church. So our kids hear that, does God speak outside of church? Of course he does. You know, he could do this in the car, he could do this at the drive -through, he could do it anywhere he wants. But I just think positioning your child and really making it a priority, like how can my child experience the glory of God? Because once they experience that, they're gonna be face down before a holy God and be like,

Arlene Pellicane 

Oh yeah, this isn't all about me and God is really holy and he's really a lot bigger than me, but he loves me. So I want to serve him. So I think that personal revelation of who Jesus Christ is in your child's life, that will shape the rest of their life. And if you feel like, wow, my teenager hasn't had that or my young person, my elementary school age, they never, I don't think they've ever come and said, mom, dad, I had this experience with God and he...

Arlene Pellicane

showed me was real or I was reading this verse and it just like jumped off the page of me and I knew it was real. So then that's what we're praying for. Like, God, show yourself to my child. And we know this is a prayer God will want to answer. God wants to reveal himself to your child. So just really make that the priority. Like, show yourself to my child. Because I feel like once your kids have that,

then they will seek that. Now they have this, you're not the intermediary. It's not like I have my mom's faith or my dad's faith, it's their faith. So that's super important. And then a third thing, it's like an inoculation. So there's a decision my husband and I made when we heard about Summit Ministries. So Summit Ministries is in Colorado, it's in Manitou Springs, it's also in Georgia, and you can do it online too, but I suggest in person. And what it is, is a two week camp.

Arlene Pellicane 

that you would send your child to before college. Because we all know the statistics. We hear them like, oh, this child is raised in youth group. And then two years into college, they don't even want to go to church anymore. You're like, what happened to my child? And so what this two week worldview does is it teaches them. So it's pretty intense. They are being taught. So it's not like all fun camp running around all the time. There's that element.

Natalie

Yeah.

Arlene Pellicane 

but they're being taught things like apologetics and gender and truth and abortion and all these different things that they'll be taught in college that are very normal things. So it's like you want your child to be exposed to the truth so that when they're told a lie, whether it's that a girl can become a boy or whatever it is, you know, just like biologically that cannot be.

So before they hear that, that they hear like, what is a biblical worldview on that? And I think that's super helpful. So we've sent, before my son went to Cal Poly Pomona studying engineering, we sent him to two weeks of summit and it just is the kind of thing at summit .org. It's the kind of thing that helps your child then not be afraid when they go to school and they hear something that they're not like, they know. And they're like, oh, I've heard this before. Yes. Yes.

They know how to defend their faith. Yeah, they have the words. I mean, that's an issue for a lot of young people is, I think I know, I feel this, but to actually be able to verbalize it and defend it in a real way is so, so important. I actually have had a friend that they've sent their kids to the summit ministries. So I've heard of it before and they enjoyed it. The kids made connections and bonds and friends and it was like camp.

Arlene Pellicane 

It is helpful to see like, oh, there's all these kids my same age learning these same things and knowing that this is the truth. Cause that's what you're guiding them in is to always seek out the truth. Don't be afraid of these other ideas. Talk about the other ideas, but what is the truth? What is reality? And a lot of that is getting our kids and our teenagers in nature more. Cause you know, we're inside, we're online because we see that, okay, you can say whatever you want, but that bear is going to eat you. You know, you can be like,

Natalie 

where you see God's wonders and beauties.

Arlene Pellicane 

Hi bear, nice bear, you're a nice bear, but the bear is going to eat you. Like nature just works a certain way that they realize, oh, there are truths that can be known. You can't just make up your truth in nature. And that kind of helps people as they go through college.

Natalie 

Yeah. Yeah. I want to go back to your second point, which was, I can't remember how you defined it.

Arlene Pellicane

Yeah.

Kind of like the glory of God, like let your children experience that.

Natalie

It let them experience hardship. That's what it was. The thought that I had of when are they going to see God more than when he shows up when they're troubled? And one of the things I am guilty of, I'm aware and I still struggle with it, is saving them. The hardship, the pain, the sports that hurt and they can't, and you want to go fight the coach because they didn't get the play time and you want to go, you know, all of these things that we want so badly for them to not.

Arlene Pellicane 

me too. Yeah, totally. Yes. Right. Yeah.

Natalie 

hurt, but that's when God shows up. I've had to step back and go, let them hurt because they're going to call out to God.

Arlene Pellicane

Yes, I.

Arlene Pellicane

right on because today we are in the whole like let's rescue, let's bubble wrap, hurt is bad. But to realize like the autoimmune, you know, like it's because you were not exposed to germs. Like if you're never exposed to germs, then like the littlest germ like just completely sends you sideways. But if you are, you know, you're used to germs, it's like, okay, I can handle this. And it's the same thing like if your child has never been left out. That's our big thing, right? I don't want my child to be left out.

Arlene Pellicane

But guess what? In the world, as you go on, you're going to get left out. You're not going to get the promotion. You're not going to be in the little popular group. The person you want to date doesn't want to date you anymore. Like these things will happen in your life. And if you've never, ever experienced them, because we've shielded you from all of that, then it's really going to be hard to be an adult. But if you have felt left out, if you have been not chosen, if you have experienced, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

Arlene Pellicane 

Like that's really healthy. So yes, do not over save them and realize, you know, they had that, that experiment in Arizona where they tried to raise like, like in a biosphere, like under everything under perfect conditions, like how would things grow? And they found that the trees kept falling over because they needed the wind and all those things to build the roots. And they kept just falling over. And that's our kids is they have no roots because we took all the wind out of their life and all of the difficulty and.

I can talk the talk, but believe me, I am just like you. My husband will be like, get on your bikes and go to school. To my girls, it's like three miles each way. And I'm like, get in the car and I will drive you because what girl wants to go to school and be all sweaty? So I am constantly like, I do it all the time. So I get it. But what you're saying is right, that we do have to let them experience hurt and failure. It'll help them when they get to college.

Natalie 

One of the things, I think this is another similar example to that, that the school where I'm teaching, we have kids going all over the world on missions trips. And so many parents argue for taking their phones on these trips or extra protections, but it is so well established, these trips where they serve. And part of it is serving and part of it is for these kids to be uncomfortable without their parents, to not have their phones.

Natalie 

to actually see things happen and to see God working because they're uncomfortable. It's that whole get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Yeah.

Arlene Pellicane

Yes. Yes. There's a whole book called The Comfort Crisis by Michael Easter talking about how like we are always in like 70 degrees and we're always comfortable and we drive from point A to point B and how it's a crisis that you need discomfort. So how funny that you say that. And I think it's the parents. We're the ones that don't want to be uncomfortable with not knowing and not having control. So we are the ones who have to be like, oh, we have to trust that.

Arlene Pellicane

when our child is on this missions trip that God will take care of them and that us being able to reach them by phone doesn't really make that substantial of a difference. Like if they're in that situation in this other country, you know, the adult that is with them, they're going to be the ones. And so we just have to trust that that's how that's going to work. And so some of it is us, right? Putting too much, too much stock in what we can do and not enough stock into what God can do and just trusting him that, hey, they're almost adults and I need to start letting go.

Natalie 

Yeah, I want to talk to you about, we talk about being rooted, but then when kids, what we can do, and we've given a few of those examples, when they do take off into the real world, they go to college or they're young adults, they get their first job and they have a faith crisis. You know, that, I learned all that, but now I'm questioning it. Do you hear of that a lot? I guess I'm of the age where a lot of kids are going off. They're exposed to things they've never been exposed to.

Natalie 

What advice do you have for families that are going through that?

Arlene Pellicane 

Yes. And I do hear that a lot. So if that's you, you know, that you're not alone. And I think that advice of always keeping the door open to your child, whether they abandon the faith that you had them, whether they're having, you know, they're doing weird things with their money, they're doing weird things with their body, you know, whatever you're like, what in the world are you doing? Like you were making some really bad choices. The door is always open. You can always come here and you're always welcome here.

Now you're telling them the truth, but it's, it's, um, I love what Jim Byrne says that, um, how does he say it? Like when you talk to your adult children, unsolicited, that's what it is, unsolicited advice always sounds like criticism when you're talking to your adult children. So you don't give unsolicited advice, you just love them and you're there for them. Now you don't, if they have like an addiction, they have a problem, you don't support that. Like you're not going to fund their foolishness. So that's not what I'm saying but you are available to them. They can always come home for dinner. They can always like talk to you on the phone. You're always going to be loving toward them. But when they ask you, then that's when you're able to tell them things and that's when they're open to receive it. So, so not to criticize them and to pray for them to pray. There are as many stories as I hear of people who have walked away and who've done some very foolish things. I also hear stories of parents who have prayed and prayed and prayed and then seen in their 30s, their 40s, their 50s, these children come back and these children, a lot of times it's when they become parents and they realize like, oh man, I need to get my life more in order for my kids. A lot of times you'll see them say like, I think my mom and dad, what they were believing, I'm going to try that again. I think I might need that. So just to keep that faith alive and keep hoping and praying for your child to return.

Also to realize it's not your fault or your responsibility. Like it's our responsibility to train up our children, to love them, to instruct them to the best of our ability, but we cannot be their Holy Spirit to change their mind. And once you have to make it, it's their individual choice and not bear that guilt or weight all the time of like, oh no, what did I do that my child turned out this way? But just pray, oh Lord, bring my child back.

Natalie 

Yeah, that's beautiful. Arlene, I appreciate you, your advice, your inspiration, and I encourage everyone to find you. Tell us your website, social media, where people can find you to learn more.

Arlene Pellicane 

Yes. Yes. ArlenePelicane .com. Just my name, ArlenePelicane .com. And look at the books and, you know, Screen Kids would be a very good book to look at if you have a elementary school child, middle schooler, because screens are oftentimes the way that a different system is taught to your child that is very anti -God and that is very like, I just need to be made happy. And that kind of sets our kids off in the wrong direction as they grow up into adults. So,

Scream Kids is the book.

Natalie 

Thanks so much. Take care. Hope to talk to you again soon.

Arlene Pellicane 

Thank you so much.