157: Praying Together: Strengthening Family Bonds with Arlene Pellicane

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Natalie 

Arlene, it's been, we think, two years since you first were on the podcast, and it's just always a pleasure.

Arlene Pellicane 

It's so much fun to be with you again, Natalie. I know things go so quickly and I'm so happy to be back.

Natalie 

Well, we have so many things to talk about, but I want to get right to what you specialize in. You have so much knowledge here, and my audience always wants to build stronger families. I mean, isn't that what we all want, is our families to have deep connections and to get along, communicate, all those great things. But I want to ask you today about where we can start if we feel like our kids are all out there and they're not.

Arlene Pellicane 

always want to build stronger. Yeah.

Natalie

Maybe they're not communicating very well or they're starting to do risky things. And let's talk about stronger families in general.

Arlene Pellicane 

Yes, yes. And you know, I think about my book, Parents Rising, that many times when things get tough, we're like, oh, man, and we just we sink back. And it's not a guilt trip. I'm not trying to give you that. But we're just like, we don't know what to do. So we just do nothing because we just don't know where to start. So I think a lot of it for the strong family is just identifying, okay, what is one thing we could do this week and make it a small doable thing that we could do to strengthen our family like

Natalie 

Yeah.

Arlene Pellicane 

Think of yourself if you're in bad health and you have to get into good health and you realize, oh my word, I have to revamp my diet, my exercise, everything, freak out. But where do you start? It's like, okay, let me just get a couple reps in. Like, let me take a walk around the block. Let me like do like 10 bicep curls and just call it a day, you know? And it's the same way, think of it like a muscle in a strong family that if you are doing nothing, then it is like atrophying.

Natalie 

Mm-hmm.

Arlene Pellicane 

But if you are doing something, even those really small things, they are huge wins. So don't be little like the really small thing. So I think a very good place to start is the family meal time. So, you know, I have a college age student and two high school students, and we have always had the rhythm of eating together.

And if we don't eat together, that feels weird. Like, wait a minute, what happened? Why does someone have like a test really late at night because we're not all sitting at the dinner table together. This is really strange. So we've very much made it a rhythm. And that honestly, just that one small practice of, okay, someone's getting in late, so we need to have it a little bit later. Or someone has to leave early, so we're gonna need to eat at 4.45 today. Or whatever it is and make it the exception that you don't eat together. That is a very, very tangible way to strengthen your family around a meal. It could be breakfast. Maybe you think like, oh, we can't do it with the sports schedules and everything else. And it doesn't obviously have to be an elaborate breakfast, but it's just that everyone is sitting at seven o'clock in the morning eating their yogurt, cereal, whatever it is that they're throwing together, but you're together around the table and there are no screens present and you're making eye contact and you're talking to each other.

And really, even if you will just say, oh my word, we've not done this, because I know so many families, I mean, loving families, intentional families, and they will say to me, Arlene, we are not eating meals at all together. You know, it's just easier like the kids eat, and you know, I put something in front of them, and then I eat later on when I'm doing something different, and it's just easier this way, we've come into this. So honestly, that is...

The biggest win I think you can say is to go, okay, we're gonna eat twice a week together. Then we're gonna eat three times a week together. Then we're gonna eat five times a week together. And get to the point where it's really this regular rhythm where you are sitting together. You're not all eating like one at the couch and one at the TV and one with the iPad, but you're really eating together and start there.

Natalie 

Yeah.

Arlene Pellicane 

And you're really looking for, you know, you don't have to sit and stare at your husband for two hours or stare at your child for two hours, you know? But, but 10 minutes, five minutes of uninterrupted time where you say to, let's say you feel like, wow, this child and I are not getting along at all. Then you say, you know what, after dinner, let's just walk the dog together. Let's just take a walk around the block. Just you and me.

Arlene Pellicane 

And there's, this is not a lecture time. This is not a complaint time. This is not like, I'm going to fix you time. This is just like, I just want to hear what's, how are you doing? What's going on with you? And there's no criticism. You're just trying to find places to connect and have fun together. This I think is a huge thing. Cause sometimes we think, oh, we have to build a strong family. I've got to lecture them. I've got to like teach them things and all those things are important, but that fun, like

Natalie 

Yes.

Arlene Pellicane 

when they see you, you do want them to think like, oh, no, here they come, whether it's your spouse or your kids. You want them to have the feeling like, oh, I'm glad this family member is entering my airspace because this means I'm going to have a good experience. Like I'm either going to be listened to or I'm going to be understood or I'm going to be given a correction that I really need. I don't like it at the time, but I really need it and it helped me or we're going to have fun together. So I think in element,

Natalie 

Where'd they come? Yes.

Arlene Pellicane 

missing is we're having fun alone. And by fun, I mean, in very loose fun that we're being entertained. We're watching things. We're on video games. We're on social media. We're escaping. So we're having fun, but we're having it alone. So to strengthen the family, think of like, how can we have fun together? Like, how can we do something fun? My husband is kind of crazy. So he's in this cold plunge sauna phase. So we got a sauna in our backyard and we literally like, we all do it

Everybody goes in the sauna together. We just pack in there. Sometimes there's four of us, sometimes there's five of us. And it's funny. Like it is fun. So think of ways, it doesn't obviously is how to be that way. You don't have to have a sauna in your backyard, but you're going out to ice cream together or that's expensive. So you say, oh, we're getting the half gallon at the grocery store that we're going to each get a spoon and we're going to eat it in the park, but do things that are fun, board games, silly games, throw a frisbee around, you know, just take a walk, go to the beach, go somewhere scenic in your town.

Do something for fun and that will really strengthen your family and make sure that screens are not involved in this fun because there's screens enough everywhere else. So make this unique that it's fun without screens.

Natalie 

Yeah. You mentioned several things there that I want to talk a little bit more about. Number one was being intentional. And I find that it's so easy to not like, it's so easy to come home and pick up the screen, that word's going to come up here again in a minute, or to just sit down and eat before everybody is there. But it takes just like your analogy of working out that it takes a plan and that that, the being intentional is so important. And yet it's just a whole lot easier to not do that. But do you find then the plan is at the beginning of the week, do you have to be that planned where you say, we're gonna sit down Monday, Wednesday, Friday, that's the day we're all gonna have dinner at six o'clock? Like, does it have to be that scheduled to make it work in today's world?

Arlene Pellicane

And, and you know, and then this would be the question for you, the listener. If you just have a loose idea of it, will it happen? So the main idea is at the end of the week, will it happen? And if you're like, oh, this is not working, then maybe, yes, it does mean that you need to look ahead in the schedule and think of it. This may feel hard, but it's very simple. Like, it's not like super hard. It's just like, Hey, let's just get dinner in. So then let's consider everyone's sports schedules.

Natalie 

Right?

Arlene Pellicane 

or whatever their music schedule is or what they do after school. And then let's consider the parents schedule. And honestly, if you cannot find two to three times a week that you can do this, then that's another question like, whoa, maybe we are running around too much and that we are catering. So what are we losing? We're catering to sports or academics or service or whatever, but we are sacrificing something. We're like, my word, we cannot even sit together as a family.

Natalie

time to rethink. Yeah.

Arlene Pellicane 

because we are this busy, so maybe that means on another level, we are too busy. So that means the next time around, you guys need to all, you know, we need to take turns, you know, and that teaches you something good, like this doesn't work in the season, so I'm sorry, child of mine, you're going to have to give up basketball, but we'll give you football. You know what I mean? Like we're give and taking, like you can't have it all. Like we all cannot do it all. So you pick a thing.

Arlene Pellicane 

I pick a thing and let's make this work together. And then all of a sudden, what's the value then? Then the kids and the spouse and you realize, oh, our family is the value. It's not running around like a crazy person and then it being done. And then our kids left our home and we said, all we did was drive them around places, right? We don't want that. And yes.

Natalie (08:53.4)

Right. Yeah. And talking about that stronger family, if we're prioritizing everything else, and we all know the problem that we have with sports late at night, Sunday mornings, like all these times when we would otherwise have family time, that you're going to have to give something up. And maybe that's a good lesson for our kids of you're going to have to give something up because family is important to us. Oh, it's true.

Arlene Pellicane 

And doesn't it, as adults, right? We have to do that too. So the kids are kind of learning that along the way. So it is a good real world kind of practice. Yes, yeah.

Natalie

Yeah. Okay. So, mealtime, that's a huge one. What are some others? And I want to specifically mention that one of the issues I have found and I hear people talk about is we open doors and we allow things, screens, Instagram accounts, whatever those things are, and then it's hard to close them. It's like you have opened that door, the kids have enjoyed it, and then it feels like

Natalie 

Well, what have I done wrong, Mom? Nothing, it's just I want more of this and it feels like punishment.

Arlene Pellicane 

Yeah. So let me talk two ways of that. So if you are a parent listening and you have not given that thing yet, whether it's a phone, video game, access to social media, et cetera, you are always going to be better off delaying and saying one no, like not yet, child of mine, and then be done with it versus, wow, if I say yes, you think like, oh, they say, oh, if I don't have social media, I'm going to be so left out. I'm going to have all these problems because you don't give it to me.

So you think in your mind, if I give my child social media, that will solve it. Like that solves the problem, but no, you are exchanging now a whole host of problems where truly when your child gets social media, do they honestly come home and say, now I feel so included. Now I'm so happy and now I'm so carefree. It's like, that's not how that turned out. You know, any parent will tell you that is, that's not how that turned out. So if you haven't given it yet.

Arlene Pellicane 

then I really recommend, you know, my book is Screen Kids. There's a new book out by social scientist, Jonathan Haytite, The Anxious Generation, how the great rewiring of childhood is causing an epidemic and mental illness. And he is recommending, and this is a secular social psychologist, and he is saying delay smartphones at least until high school.

Arlene Pellicane

and delay social media at least until age 16. And if you are under the sound of my voice and you have not done those things and your kids are younger, then stay the course because that will be the biggest thing, the single most biggest thing you will do to keep your children and to have a strong family. In the book, they talk about like, if I'm Japanese and I come to America, if I come to America between ages nine and 14,

it's very likely that I will assimilate the culture and I will feel American. I will now, even though I was raised the first nine years in Japan, I will come and I will feel American because during my formative years of nine to 14, I was immersed in American culture and I came out eating hamburgers and all this stuff, right? Well, what do we do as parents? We think, oh, they're nine, 10, 11, 12. I guess it's time.

to unleash the video games and the social media and the phones and they're getting them earlier and earlier. And then we wonder what happened to our child. It's like they grew up on a different planet than the values that I've been pouring into you in these first nine years. And we really have to realize, oh my goodness, we financed the thing that made our family not as strong as it could have been.

took my child away from my culture that I was trying to instill in them, the virtues I was trying to instill in them. I mean, look at what is TikTok going to tell your child? The Wall Street Journal pretended to be a 13-year-old on TikTok and got 569 videos about drug use, paid pornography, vandalism to your school, self-harm, suicidal, being romanticized, all those things. That's what our kids are looking at.

And for us to realize, no wonder they're growing up so sick and so far away from us. So really the key in that, to really have, if you want to make it a lot easier to have a strong family, then you're going to delay those devices until their brains are much more ready for them. Now, most people listening to the sound of my voice will be like, oh no, like I gave the phone, they're on Instagram, they're on Snapchat, they're going to hate me.

Natalie 

I already did it! I opened the door!

Arlene Pellicane 

And then it's like, you know what, as long as they're in your home, that you can say, child of mine, I was listening to this podcast with Miss Natalie and Miss Arlene, and they were talking about how your brain needs rest, you need good sleep, you know, you've been very irritable and annoyed because you haven't been sleeping well. And this is my fault because I'm your parent and I let you have your phone in your bedroom overnight. And so I know you're going to hate me. You're going to think I'm the strictest mom ever.

You're going to complain your friends or you're going to say that your friends are going to hate you. All these things. I get it. And I'm really sorry, but it's my responsibility. And I'm collecting the phone at night. Thank you very much. So it's like anticipate all the things your child is going to say and say it for them so that they're like, OK, I'm going to slam the door, but you already knew I was going to slam the door. I'm not going to talk to you for three days, but you already knew I wasn't going to talk to you about three days. So get all that out. Let like beat them to the punch with all that.

Arlene Pellicane

And then in your mind, be ready to take the big, you know, all the words and the, you know, the, your child not being happy with you take it because in a week, two weeks, four weeks, six weeks, your kid's going to be like, Oh, I actually feel a lot better, mom. And I hate to say it, but thank you. You know, I just had a mom just, you know, literally before this interview.

Natalie 

Hmm. Yeah.

Arlene Pellicane 

say that her high school girl was like, why did you let me have this phone? Because now it's like, I'm never on a break and I have to always be on social media and always feel this way and always have anxiety. Why did you give me this phone? And my friend was just like, are you kidding me? I gave you this phone because you begged me to give me this phone. Like we as parents, can we do nothing right? Like we give it, we don't give it and you're unhappy. We give it and you're unhappy, you know? But let it be that lesson to us that, you know.

The bar isn't like, is my child happy with me? That's not what you're going for. It is what is best, right? What is best for my child? And I'm the parent and you can hate me, child of mine, at this moment, but I will do what I can do to protect you. And when you're a young adult and you are 18 and you're on your own at college or you're 21 and you're living in your apartment, you can watch this phone until your eyeballs fall out and I won't care. But while you are in my house,

Natalie 

That's a problem today. That is something.

Arlene Pellicane 

We're going to do things different. And I think a lot of parents, we just need to have that courage and the responsibility to say, I'm not going to blame Big Tech. I'm not going to blame the culture. I'm not going to blame anybody. I'm going to say, for me, these are the things I know to be healthy for my kids. And I'm willing to be an unpopular parent to have a strong family. And believe me, you just have to do that for, you have to just have to do what's hard for a little bit. And then you will reap the benefits when your child is healthier.

Arlene Pellicane 

when they're more able to do things, when they're off the dopamine high, when they're off the digital drugs, they will be a much better person and they will say thank you.

Natalie 

This is just like your analogy for health. It's going to be hard for a little bit, but you are going to reap those benefits. It is so true. Well, get through the hard stuff. Okay. So we've now said time together as a family eating. We've said, hold off on the screens if you can, if you haven't already given them, and then pull back on them if you have given them. Take them out of the bedroom. Limit the time.

Arlene Pellicane 

And maybe do something as a family, say, hey, we're all gonna not do video games for two weeks. Or mom and dad, we won't do social media or like news, we'll take a fast with you. Like if anything you can do together shows them that you understand their pain and that you are together as a family working as a team. That's a good way to present that.

Natalie 

Yeah. Okay, give me one more. Stronger families in general. For me, I'll just give one and then I know you have a million others. It's praying together, having that time where you really are in communication with God at the same time regularly. And that's not easy for a lot of families. Maybe that's not a regular thing in your family. But I tell my kids in high school, because some of them haven't grown up in faith-fueled families.

Natalie 

that it's a muscle. Like it's a muscle you have to work to and it gets easier. I had a student when I asked him to pray for our class the other day, he said, I don't really know how to do that. And I said, it's okay, just a little one. And we'll start there.

Arlene Pellicane 

It is, yes.

Arlene Pellicane 

Yeah, no, and I will echo that 100% to pray. I've been involved in a Moms in Prayer group, which is a nonprofit, and it's just two or more praying moms for your school. So someone praying over your school, praying over your children. And it makes a world of difference, like to pray for your child that's so angry and then come back the next week and say, wow, it was better this week. Like God is responding to our prayers. So pray for your children. Do not underestimate that power. That is so, so real.

And I think, you know, you asked for one more. I would say a lot of times we watch our kids do things. So whatever you can do together, like you play ping pong together, or we got a pool table so we could play pool together. Now, of course, it just sits there dormant. But you know, there was a time where we played pool together. So it's going to go through phases, but try to join in to do things together, not just observing your child, but doing something together. This could be serving. So we had.

Natalie

I'm sorry.

Arlene Pellicane 

when our kids were in public elementary school and we had favor with the school and we ran an afterschool Bible club on Fridays. And in our Zenith, we had like over a hundred kids in the gym, it was amazing. But our kids, as little, you know, elementary school kids, they helped serve, you know, we would tell them like, you've got to help us with the name tags, you got to help us with the tickets, you got to help us give out the prizes. And we'd go to the Dollar Tree and we'd pick out prizes together. So that idea of like serving other people together, that strengthens you as a family and then it gets in their DNA.

that they don't just like watch. They'll be like, oh, how can I help? Or if, you know, if you're at someone's house that they might say, how can I help you to the host? Or if you're at a church and things need to be cleaned up, like chairs need to be set up that you don't have to tell your kids, go set up some chairs and help out. No, they just do it because it's part of the DNA. So like doing things together, fun things together, and also some kind of...

Natalie

Yeah.

Arlene Pellicane 

service that is beyond yourself. Because what is today? Today is all about like, I have to make me happy. And if I'm not happy, this must not be the right thing because I am not happy. So I will quit this thing because I'm not happy. So we're so self-centered and it makes us so miserable because we cannot, that's not the way to be happy when you serve someone else. Wow. That's how you get so happy you feel. So like, I'm alive. I'm useful, you know.

Arlene Pellicane 

So whether it's your kid is helping someone tutor or your kid is helping like other little kids in a sport or whatever your kid's interest is, like how can they serve with that interest and really spend time with that. And then I think having other adults in your kid's life and really looking, praying for those relationships. Like I have, my daughter wanted to learn how to ride horses. So we really prayed like, God, there's gotta be someone in this world.

Natalie 

Yeah.

Arlene Pellicane 

that could really use a little girl to help them around with their horses. And we found the perfect person that's like her grandpa that has taught her how to ride. He's also an artist, so he's taught her how to sculpt. He's taught her all these things, and it's been such a life-giving friendship for both of them. And so look for people that aren't you that are godly, good adults.

because it goes both ways. It blesses that adult and it blesses your child. So that whole intergenerational thing, we're really losing that because the smartphone is just like you and your phone. It's just you and your technology. And then you're afraid, you're stranger danger, like, I can't talk to anybody, you know. And for adults, we can't talk to that child because I think we're abusing them, you know. So we've got to get past these things and obviously look for trusted adults, but really foster that look.

Arlene Pellicane 

for intergenerational relationships in your church, in your school, in your neighborhood, because that's a facet we're really missing that will really help your child to grow up well. Because when they're not listening to you, right, because you're their parent, they will listen to Ms. Rebecca, Ms. Kristin, because it's someone else.

Natalie 

Yeah, and these are things.

That's right. That's so true. And these are things you can talk about around the dinner table. How did you serve this week? That's great. Arlene, thank you so much. I always learn so much and enjoy the time that we get to talk and hope we can do it again soon.

Arlene Pellicane 

Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

Arlene Pellicane 

Thank you so much, Natalie.